Mediate Before You Meditate

We may regularly hear about the spiritual dangers of displeasing others, but when it comes to mediating relationships and having good interactions we often, seemingly against our will, fall prey to substandard behaviour. Human relationships are riddled with the potential of quarrel and conflict. It’s a symptom of the age. But that’s not a problem per se, since every disagreement is also pregnant with positive potential. Differences of opinion can bring enlightenment, transformation, wisdom and growth – they can also be the cause of anger, frustration, resentment, and fall-out. Developing progressive responses in argumentative situations is crucial. Here are some tips:

Tolerance – the first moments of a conflict situation can determine the entire conversation. Be tolerant and patient. The art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Adopting an adversarial approach erects barriers which blocks the meeting of hearts. Daksa didn’t pause to consider why Siva had not stood up to receive him, and without proper deliberation and clarification, with burning eyes of anger, he began to hurl critical words towards his son-in-law.

Circumstance – beyond the perceived irrationality of actions and words, try to understand why someone is doing what they do. Then you hold the key to progress. In interpersonal relations, the golden rule is this: seek first to understand, then to be understood. To do that you have to listen and explore with an open heart and open mind. Daksa considered that since Siva was his son-in-law, he should show more respect. From another perspective he failed to acknowledge that Siva is also a principal demigod, he is the topmost Vaisnava, and to honour someone means to honour the Supersoul within them, which Siva was already doing. Daksa, however, failed to contextualise Siva’s behaviour.

Acceptance – we may consider that sometimes there may not be a right or wrong answer. Conflict comes from difference, but diversity is not necessarily bad. Fear of difference is fear of life itself. By accepting that we’re all individuals, with individual perspectives, we can more fully appreciate that conflict is often a case of different ‘angles of vision’ illuminating the same truth. Once Daksa began his offensive behaviour, he couldn’t find the inner strength to withdraw and became entangled in a battle of cursing and counter-cursing. Siva, on the other hand, immediately left the arena, and encouraged Sati to accept the situation too.

Importance – keep disagreements in perspective and calmly evaluate their importance. We can question whether the tenacious pursuance and resolution of a conflict is absolutely necessary. Many issues can easily be dropped or ignored, but often our emotional involvement keeps us doggedly fighting till the last breath. The so-called offence was actually very minor and Siva had in numerous other ways shown respect for his father-in-law. Daksa, however, inflated this minor incident, over emphasised its importance, and thus became unnecessarily angry.

Transcendence – we love to prove ourselves, but the spiritual principle is to transcend right and wrong. The real aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress. If a concession of ‘defeat’ improves our relationships, helps us develop character, and opens up opportunities for progressive solutions, then where is the loss? We shouldn’t hesitate to back down if it genuinely helps to move forward. Daksa finally accepted his mistake, and begged pardon from Siva, who willingly accepted the apology. As they connected through humility, the sacrifice continued and everything was resolved.

Conflict and unsavoury confrontation can disturb our mental state and make spiritual practice incredibly difficult. Learning to mediate our conflicts can help us to meditate in peace.